Pricey Colleagues,
We at College Administration are actually ready to challenge our Educational Freedom tips in your courses. As you already know from final 12 months’s memo, we in administration are robust advocates of free speech on campus. With some steering from us, we imagine you’ll really feel extra empowered to talk your thoughts, with correct limits.
Whereas the earlier provost, president, and common counsel have “resigned,” we guarantee you our dedication to training stays steadfast. The brand new president even helped draft the regulation titled “De-Woke the Campus for Educational Freedom Act.”
Together with your assist, we are able to make sure the campus has vibrant and open discourse about topics that don’t matter to anybody.
REGULATIONS FOR THE EMPOWERMENT OF TEACHING
Recording Coverage: Your syllabus should learn as follows:“College students are inspired to report my class. The place acceptable, college students could submit my class session to administrative officers and the suitable Turning Factors USA chapter and to the Professor Watchlist. College students can be held innocent within the occasion of my receipt of loss of life threats or wrongful termination.”
Most well-liked Names: Your syllabus should learn as follows: “I’ll tackle you by your most popular title, as long as it has nothing to do with LGBTQ+ points and doesn’t contain transgender identification. Thus, if you’re Matthew, I’ll nonetheless name you Matt, if you’d like.”
Observe: We don’t need to make Matt uncomfortable. His dad’s a donor.
Course Names: In case your course title seems controversial, we encourage you to vary it. For instance, if you happen to educate “Abortion Regulation,” please take into account naming it “Abortion is Flawed and the Regulation.” When you educate “Household Regulation,” take into account naming it “Nuclear Household Regulation.”
Course Matters: Please be certain that your course description and course assignments carefully match. In any other case, you danger disciplinary motion. For instance, within the course “Constitutional Regulation,” cease assigning the dissent. That’s just a few liberal’s view, not the regulation. Additionally, don’t use instances that relate to school conduct, because the Board views that as a direct menace.
Controversial Matters: Please keep away from controversial matters. For instance, if you happen to educate “Worldwide Regulation,” please don’t use the phrases “battle crimes,” “genocide,” “ICC,” “The Hague,” or “worldwide regulation” in your course assignments.
Additionally, we’ve taken the freedom of eliminating some programs which are de facto controversial and can’t be taught. That features “Girls and the Regulation,” “Important Race Idea,” “First Modification Regulation,” and “Water Regulation” (the governor is massive into AI).
You’ll in all probability discover we now not educate “Transgender Regulation,” and the dean and professor who licensed that course have been fired. Your new dean, as you already know, is a former legislator and proud creator of the “Toilet Invoice.”
In case your course offends somebody on the premise that our nice United States isn’t a meritocracy, your course is canceled. Thus, we’ll now not be educating programs in “Employment Discrimination” or “Civil Rights Regulation.”
When you educate “Household Regulation,” please be certain that all instances contain a standard nuclear household.
On your interdisciplinary “Historical past and the Regulation” course, keep away from point out that Nazi Germany brutally vilified and tortured the LGBTQ+ community in methods much like america southern states in the present day. Keep away from point out that Nazi Germany focused communists. Don’t point out that anti-fascists fought fascism. Our state legislators have a tough time understanding the distinction between antifa, communism, and fascism, as the highschool historical past programs on this state had been destroyed 30 years in the past.
When you educate “Chapter Regulation” or “Tax Regulation,” keep away from commentary associated to the impression of tariffs on the economic system.
Controversial Phrases: To keep away from misunderstanding and triggering of unlucky termination proceedings, please keep away from the phrases “trans,” “transatlantic,” “transoceanic,” “transportation,” and “Transylvania.”
Controversial Membership Sponsorship: Please keep away from sponsoring controversial golf equipment. Such membership names embody “LGBTQ+ Outlaw Membership,” “Important Race Idea Examine Group,” or “Rights for Everybody Membership.” Sponsorship of the “TPUSA Chapter” and “Charlie Kirk Worship Membership” is strongly inspired.
Accuracy of Supplies: Please guarantee your selections of supplies is correct however balanced. For instance, if you happen to educate a “Well being Regulation” course, please steadiness your project of peer-reviewed assets that display that vaccines don’t trigger autism with a minimum of one non-peer-reviewed useful resource, ideally ones endorsed by RFK Jr. In no way are you to cite Charlie Kirk, as we’re not sure as to the accuracy of any of his quotes.
Clinics: The Immigration Regulation clinic can be repurposed to require necessary service in ICE to get a greater understanding of how immigration works on the bottom and never within the ivory tower of academia. Being improperly arrested by ICE won’t rely towards service hours.
School Bios and CVs: Please be certain that your bios and CVs shouldn’t have any reference to most popular pronouns, any work you might have finished for LGBTQ+ causes, or any “left leaning” causes such because the Federalist Society. We additionally encourage, however don’t require, donations to a right-wing conservative candidate of over $200 or extra to display college mental range.
DEI: Due to a beneficiant grant from the Koch Basis, we have now established a “Drug Enforcement and ICE” (DEI) program that examines the constructive methods ICE interacts with our communities. All DEI hyperlinks will now robotically repost there.
Thanks all in your consideration to this matter!
Administration
LawProfBlawg is an nameless regulation professor. Comply with him on X/Twitter/no matter (@lawprofblawg). He’s additionally on BlueSky, Mastodon, and Threads relying on his temper. Electronic mail him at [email protected]. The views of this weblog put up don’t symbolize the views of his employer, his employer’s authorities, his Dean, his colleagues, his household, or himself. This piece is satire, hopefully.
