What was Donald Trump eager about the Jeffrey Epstein recordsdata?
Perhaps this:
It’s the center of 2024, and the Epstein recordsdata are vital to my presidential marketing campaign. My base thinks the recordsdata will show that Democratic pedophiles run the nation. I’m alleged to launch the recordsdata, expose the pedophiles, and cleanse the nation of the Democratic elite cabal.
Does anybody actually consider that crap? Thank God for QAnon.
Anyway, I understand there’s a bunch of stuff within the Epstein recordsdata that makes me look fairly dangerous.
The heck with it! I’ll decide to launch the recordsdata anyway. Perhaps people may have forgotten about Epstein by the point I’m inaugurated.
It’s now the summer season of 2025, and folks nonetheless keep in mind the Epstein recordsdata.
What can I say now to keep away from releasing the recordsdata, which comprise that incriminating materials?
Perhaps I’ll say that we will’t launch the recordsdata as a result of they comprise second- and third-hand data that will harm the repute of harmless folks.
Wait a minute; nobody will consider that. Have you ever seen how a lot I care concerning the reputations of harmless folks? Hell, I’ve been ordered to pay tens of tens of millions of {dollars} to E. Jean Carroll for having defamed her. I’m undecided I ought to speak about defending the reputations of harmless folks.
What else can I say to keep away from releasing the recordsdata?
Perhaps I ought to say that the recordsdata will unfairly incriminate folks. No. My base is aware of that the recordsdata are incriminating; that’s why folks wish to see the rattling issues. That gained’t work.
Perhaps I ought to say that I can’t launch the Epstein recordsdata as a result of they comprise the names of underage victims of sexual abuse.
I don’t actually care about underage ladies. I used to go strolling across the dressing room of a Miss Teenage America pageant. However I’m undecided that excuse will work. If anybody actually cares about younger victims of sexual abuse, we may simply redact the names of the youngsters.
I assume there’s just one factor for me to do: Deny that there’s something attention-grabbing within the Epstein recordsdata. My base will in all probability consider me — God, I really like the deplorables! — and that can put the entire difficulty behind me.
Shoot! Individuals aren’t believing me. They nonetheless wish to see the recordsdata. I assume we’ve been speaking about Epstein for too lengthy. Even my base isn’t silly sufficient to let me renege on my promise to launch the recordsdata. And now the Democrats are piling on. What is going to I do?
Perhaps I ought to say that I can’t launch the Epstein recordsdata as a result of they comprise secret grand jury supplies.
I certain don’t give a rattling about grand jury supplies. What the hell’s a grand jury, anyway? Moreover, I’m immune from legal prosecution, to allow them to’t prosecute me if I illegally launch grand jury supplies.
However I don’t even should launch the stuff! I’ll inform Pam Bondi to launch “grand jury testimony,” if courts authorize it. The courts could not authorize it. Even when they do, the grand jury would have investigated solely Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell; prosecutors wouldn’t have requested any questions on me. As long as we launch solely “grand jury testimony,” and never the “Epstein recordsdata,” I’m in all probability okay.
Shoot! The Wall Avenue Journal is about to report on the birthday word that I allegedly despatched to Epstein that implies that I would allegedly learn about his fondness for underage ladies. What is going to I do now?
I’ll have my thugs name Rupert Murdoch and inform him to not publish!
Didn’t work.
I’ll have my thugs name the editor on the Journal and demand that she not publish!
Didn’t work.
I’ll threaten to sue the Journal! (I do know that’s ridiculous, as a result of a lawsuit would solely draw consideration to the problem, and discovery within the lawsuit could be horribly embarrassing to me, however what can I do? You need to threaten to sue, and usually comply with by way of, to keep away from trying weak.)
That didn’t work both.
What do I do now?
Pretend information!
Something that doesn’t flatter me is all the time pretend information.
It’s a bifurcated world: There’s solely flattering information and pretend information. There are solely judges who rule in my favor and judges who’re corrupt, communist Democrats. I’ll simply use the outdated pretend information ploy: I’ll insist the birthday word to Epstein is a pretend!
This’ll be difficult to tug off. The word is included with a bunch of others in a guide that celebrated Epstein’s fiftieth birthday. The corporate that revealed the guide in all probability has proof that the contributors truly despatched of their contributions. Scores of people that wrote different notes for Jeff will in all probability concede that their notes are actual. Is my alleged word the one pretend word? Who faked it, and when?
Jesus — Ghislaine Maxwell assembled the guide for Jeff, and he or she’s nonetheless alive. She may testify that she didn’t concoct stuff to place within the guide.
Screw it. Who offers a rattling?
I’m gonna insist that the Journal concocted the word and one way or the other positioned it in a guide that was revealed 20 years in the past. Perhaps they knew I’d be elected president. Or perhaps Obama, or Biden, or Comey concocted the word.
I haven’t labored this out but, however a type of issues ought to work.
What in the event that they don’t work? Even my base may not be that silly.
I assume, in the long run, it gained’t matter. I’ve been discovered responsible for sexual assault (which, within the frequent that means of the phrases, constituted rape). I’ve been accused of sexual assault by dozens of different girls. My voice is on tape speaking about grabbing girls by the pussy. The entire world is aware of about Stormy Daniels.
None of that made any distinction.
So the birthday word might be made public, and each pondering particular person will know that it’s actual.
After all it’s not simply the word.
Epstein and I have been “best friends” for an extended, very long time.
I fought fairly rattling exhausting to maintain your complete Epstein file from being made public, so there’s in all probability another incriminating stuff in there, too.
The hell with it; I’ll be incriminated.
I can’t be prosecuted, even when there’s proof of criminality within the recordsdata.
The Republicans in Congress certain aren’t going to question me over this.
I assume I’ll simply have a stain on my repute.
One other stain on my repute?
I don’t even care if that’s pretend information. It’s principally no information in any respect.
Mark Herrmann spent 17 years as a accomplice at a number one worldwide legislation agency and later oversaw litigation, compliance and employment issues at a big worldwide firm. He’s the writer of The Curmudgeon’s Guide to Practicing Law and Drug and Device Product Liability Litigation Strategy (affiliate hyperlinks). You may attain him by e mail at [email protected].
